My Apologies
by Takei Hisa
Summary: I apologize, for I never seem to be able to be good enough. [AkashiXReader]


The morsel of food struggled down her parched throat. She gulped, forcing the tasteless, dry shred of meat down along with whatever minced composure she had.

So tense.

He sliced through the juicy ribeye steak with absolute firmness, yet managing to look oh-so-delicate while doing it. It had that ever-present trait of single-file precision and accuracy. Sharp, decisive and straightforward. The 'No-questions-asked' sort of intensity you had to face when your parents decided on something you disagreed with. He brought the piece of fragrant poultry to his lips, before stopping and setting the silverware down with a clang.

"Is something the matter?" His voice was precise, slicing through the atmosphere. She could literally hear the slightest gust of wind.

Her pale orbs widened noticeably, before shifting her gaze to another location which would not be as awkwardness-inducing as the redhead's face. She felt uneasy, to say the least. She felt... Constrained. Yes. That was the appropriate word. She hastily tore another strain of beef off the once-whole portion and shoved it between her pink lips, before forcing herself to masticate.

"No, nothing's wrong." She murmured, her mouth solely focused on partially digesting the scrap of steak in it. Such a lie.

"You look bothered."

"I'm not." She almost choked in between mouthfuls of rushed dinner being forced into her mouth.

The heterochromatic male pushed his half-eaten dinner aside, making it seem like nothing but tossed-out trash, degrading its worth just like that. The girl halted all chewing, before anxiously swallowing what would be most probably be her last bite that night.

"I'm full. " He coldly stated, before standing up to take his leave.

"Wa-" She reached out, but hesitantly retracted her fingers.

"Yeah. Good night." She mumbled, her long fringe draping over her face as she stared like a lost child into her lap. Helpless, frustrated.

The boy snuck a glance at the female, before violently snatching at her wrist.

"Ow-! Where are you-"

"You're full too."

BAM!

She winced in pain as her shoulders were pinned to the wall viciously behind her. The mismatching glare piercing into her soul was demanding, abrasively pounding into her for an answer. It stabbed her, expectantly of course.

"Tell me."

"I have nothing to confess." Her words were whispered, betraying the very meaning. Her eyes were downcast, they simply willed themselves not to shed tears.

"Tell me." His tone was quieter, gentler. More caring. (Or was it just her mind playing tricks...?) He tilted the shaken girl's chin upwards, feeling her shivers, her trembles.

It all happened too soon to comprehend. She snapped. She wrung his hand away, her eyes brimmed with the slightest sheen of tears, and even what one would label as betrayal. To whom? Herself? Akashi? She clearly did not understand such feelings herself.

"I think, you should find someone else to be with." She regurgitated the practiced words, still detesting the bitter taste it left upon her tongue.

His eyes narrowed significantly. Was it anger she was witnessing?-No. It had been regret. (Or maybe she was dreaming again) His iron grip loosened on her wrists. He realized the faint red marks that bloomed around them. He bit his tongue till it drew blood. A swirl of emotions wandered dangerously within the fenced walls of his mind. How he hated the situation he was in.

"Did my father say something?" He maintained the calm facade, the absolutely expressionless mask evident.

"No."

His shoulders released the waves of tension he had been holding back. He knew he was being unnecessarily emotional in such a scenario, and he only blamed it on this female for it. If only she didn't stir such a whirlwind of pathetic feelings in him.

"What happened."

It wasn't a question. It had been an order. It had been a demand. No refusals, no rebuts. He had wanted an answer. He was going to get it no matter what.

She shivered unconsciously in his grip.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up!

She broke down into a wreck. No tears were shed though. She was irritated, frustrated, confused. She crouched down, hugging her knees tightly to her chest. Akashi leaned down. Unsure of what to do under such conditions, he inhaled deeply and waited.

"Why me?"

Her question was undeniably a shock to him-it was a question he hadn't expected her to ask. It struck him raw.

He thought of her as the only girl in the cohort with sense. His first remembrance of her was when he strolled by her class while on patrol duty. You'd think that she would be reading a book alone while everyone else was lunching. No. Hell no. She had propped her chin upon her hand, and was staring at another female. No-she was not homosexual. She had never been and never will. No such fetishes here.

Observing. That was what she had been doing. At that moment, she had unraveled a weave of discomfort from her partner. They both broke out into mild laughter afterwards before she peered over the other lass' shoulder to sneak little peeks at the story she had been reading. That was his very first time taking notice of the neighboring average vice-class-president.

She had known him since the beginning of middle school. Of course, they had been in completely different classes altogether, but that cliched prissy gang of his had been known by the entire school population. She never had a good impression of them. Then she grew close to the pale-eyed kid. The silent one who sat beside her during Math with the raised hand that could never garner the attention of their prat of a teacher. She then slowly became included into their little circle of friends, gradually being enveloped by them.

He felt she was unlike the norm . Not the kind to indulge or engulf herself in the desirous and guilty pleasures of life. (He'd known this from trying to purchase a necklace for her on her birthday) She had a conscience, and always betrayed herself, unknowingly of course, to the shallow and petty benefits of other people. She had the mysterious trait about her. Her odd habits and ever-aiming for perfection. He wondered what it was about this vulnerable schoolmate that struck a chord in him. Made him want to protect her. Shield her.

It made no difference now. Did it? He would have failed her if she cracked. Her perception of the world was so different, so vibrant, colorful. Akashi could only resent her at times. He had mixed feelings for her. He envied her ability to attach herself to people, to be able to understand why naive minds existed. He was angered by her own natural, simple and untainted vision of pleasure and joy. He pitied her ability to perceive so much more than what she knew. What she needed to know. It came as a package. Someone who could understand the bright and throbbing colors, could unfortunately see the duller, darker and lifeless counterparts of them too. But how would one put such complex feelings into English?

"I don't understand." She claimed, her glassy eyes boring holes into the floor.

"What do you not understand?" He was unamused.

"Why you picked me. Aren't there other prettier girls?!" She shrieked, questioning, desperately begging for a reason.

He kept silent.

"I'm not good enough," Her voice was unstable, it was threatening to shatter. Her will.

"I never will be." That was a whisper. It had been deathly. It was so silent. But he caught that wisp anyhow. He remained soundless, just staring off at the blank corner of the wall.

"I apologize for such behavior. it was uncalled for. Thank you for the dinner. I'll be off then." She had hesitated, but decided to go forth with what she decided to do. Curt, clear, with regained composure adorned with a faux smile. It had been what the both of them once jokingly dubbed as a 'perfect response.' She left the scene, leaving behind a wordless redhead.

'What did she say today?' The brightness of her cellphone was blinding. She gritted her teeth. Damn it. She should never have revealed anything to Kuroko since the incident.

'The same old. I lashed out at him today. I lost composure.'

Kuroko was startled. So she was concerned about Akashi's appearances. He only had the bitch and her prissy bastard gang from the other class to blame. He remembered her pitifully vandalized desk. Scrawled in gaudy colors were insults directed at her. He remembered her shrugging it off, nonchalantly moving to another desk. But something changed that day. Her eyes held the fine strands of self-doubt and realization that he had never witnessed before in her. It manifested, and it transformed into disgust at herself.

If only he could help. He couldn't. He knew that as-a-matter-of-fact. After such negativity had spawned in her, she was literally drowning deep into the non-existent flaws of herself.

'Akashi truly loves you.'

She blinked quietly, aimlessly at the Hi-I-am-desperately-trying-to-help-you-but-I-am-fa iling response. It wasn't that she didn't understand or know the rich kid's interest and feelings for her. She just doubted it. She was not willing to acknowledge it. Not after it all. It was a matter of time before his temporary raging hormones settled down. Yeah.

'No he doesn't. It's just what we dub as puppy love.'

Kuroko shook his head and rolled his clear eyes at the reply. How anticlimactic of the ever-tiresome her. But then, now that he thought about it, he wasn't really sure about what he had been expecting from her either.

So now the situation stands.

She's pulling back a strand of her newly snipped dark locks, neatly tucking it behind her ear for a professional air. Her orbs just blindly staring at his. No emotions are being he detests this. He hesitates.

No one's around.

It all happens to soon for average comprehension. He has her shoulders fiercely pinned to the wall. Streaks of fear flash across her hazel pupils, whether he noticed that was a different issue altogether.

"I heard about what happened."

Oh. Haha, great. What now? Some noble prince on a white horse going to save her from this?Hmph. Her sarcasm was really A+ right now. She folded her arms defensively and shoots a business-smile.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

His low voice caresses her earlobe, warming and prickling the nape of her neck. She shivers unconsciously into him.

"There wasn't a need-"

"I'm your lover right?" He abruptly interrupts, settling his head within the confinements in the crook of her neck. A faint pink dusts her face and her temperature rises uncontrollably. She clenches her fists, nails biting crescent-shaped imprints into her palms.

"Whoever said such a-"

"I did. And whatever I say is absolute."

"No it's not-"

"Yes. Yes it is."

She shuts up. Forget quarreling with Akashi. He's just going to answer wittily and humiliate her to no end. There is no benefit to any of this for her.

"Hey."

He's really poised and prepared for everything. His lips part, and they plunge into her slightly parted, cracked ones. Bruised, painful, passionate. That is how you'd describe the intimacy they just shared. Soft, breathy pants fill the atmosphere. Her mind is in a whirlwind. Crammed, Jammed-packed. Whizzing with so many thoughts. She trembles, before lunging into his embrace. She's not really sure if she's sobbing, but its definitely not rain on her face that she feels on her face. She only know that if she doesn't let go of this elephantine weight, god knows what'll happen.

「I'm sorry, Akashi」


End file.
